Why I Feel Like a Writer–and Why I Don’t

Since the launch of my debut novel, UNTAMED, I’ve been thinking a lot about what if feels like to be a writer–and whether or not I actually feel like a writer.

It’s a strange thing really.

In some senses, I do feel like a writer. I mean, I wrote a book and I got a good deal with a traditional publisher. My book is now out there, and anyone can buy it. So, yes, I’m a writer. And, when I think of this, I do feel like a writer.

But there are other times (a lot of times), when I don’t. Namely these times are when I’m not writing, when I’m worrying that no one’s reading my book (even though I know that people are). These times are when I’m hearing about what other people have got planned (job-wise), and all I want to do for a career is write. Then the self-doubt kicks in and I think, But what if I’m not really meant to be a writer? What if I can’t write? What if UNTAMED is my only book?

Well, I kind of know that’s not true. I’m working on edits for the sequel, FRAGMENTED, and I’ve got two other completed manuscripts that I’ve had offers on. I should feel confident in my ability to write, but I don’t. And I don’t feel like a writer.

I suppose I have this idea that a writer sits at a desk all day, with a cup of coffee and an old laptop, (probably in a cabin as well, whilst it’s stormy outside), surrounded by dozens of bookcases, and that they write for ten solid hours. And, well, I don’t do that. Sure, I write–and I’ve managed to write 12,000 words in a day before–but I don’t spend all my time writing. I think if I did I’d burn out my creativity.

In general, I try to spend some time each day doing writing-related things, such as actual writing and editing, blogging, marketing… that sort of thing. But it’s when I’m doing the marketing in particular, that I don’t really feel like I’m a writer. And I think this is because of two reasons.

Obviously, there’s the first one: when I’m doing marketing stuff, I’m not actually writing–so am I not being a writer then? But marketing is essential–this is something I’ve learnt since my debut released, and no doubt, I’ll be writing another blog post on this very topic soon.

But the other reason that I don’t feel like a writer–or a proper writer–when I’m doing the marketing side, is this: I look at all these other successful writers’ books, and the awards they’ve won, and think that they’re the real writers. I’m not one of them, and therefore I don’t feel like a proper writer.

And then I wonder whether others see me as a proper writer…. and this leads to a whole new point: age.

I think my age comes into play a lot with this. Most of the writers I know are a lot older than me. I’m 20, and I wrote UNTAMED when I was 18. I got the book deal when I was 19. And I know that I’m quite young for a writer. And if people know this, will it affect their view of my book?

Well, I hoped not, but I’ve had comments from people who’ve read my book, saying that they enjoyed it a lot more than they expected to, given my age. But what does this actually mean? That because I’m younger than the average writer–and how old is the average writer?–I can’t writer ‘proper’ books? That my books won’t be meaningful? That teenagers can’t write good fiction?

When I was querying UNTAMED, I didn’t tell anyone my age–for exactly this reason. I wanted my work to stand out on its own merits.

And I got four offers from publishers–publishers who didn’t know my age. Even when I signed with Prizm Books, I didn’t immediately tell them my age.

So, I guess my age makes me feel like I can’t be a ‘proper’ writer, (whatever that is). Or at least it makes me think that I won’t be viewed by others as a proper writer. Which makes me think that I won’t feel like a proper writer until I’m older and have got several more books published. After all, a girl barely out of her teens with one published book can’t really be a proper writer, right?

But this is where I’m going wrong. I am a proper writer. And it doesn’t matter that I’ve only had one book published. A lot of authors do only release one book in their lifetime. So does the age that they write this book really matter? Does it mean that they shouldn’t feel like a proper writer?

I don’t think so. But I think people expect writers to be older, and so if you’re a young published writer, there can be a sense of uncertainty about your own identity as a writer, because you don’t meet all the ‘criteria’ that society expects you to. Yes, a lot of it is to do with others’ perceptions of you and others’ idea of what it means to be a writer.

But you know what? In other aspects, I do feel like a writer–though I still struggle to tell people!–because I am a writer.

I spend a lot of time writing and researching and drafting and editing. And even when I wasn’t published, I still felt like a writer–I just didn’t tell people I was a writer… again, because of the worry that they’d think because I’m young I can’t be serious about this profession. (Yeah, I shouldn’t worry about what other people think, I know).

But I am and I do.

And there have been a lot of successful young writers. Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein when she was 19. Christopher Paolini began writing Eragon when he was 15, and it published when he was 18. Veronica Roth’s Divergent was published when she was 23.

I keep having to remind myself about these writers–these proper writers.

I wrote a book. I got a book deal. I am a writer. I should feel like a writer.